Updated: Sep 6, 2022
I don’t know where to start or exactly where I want to go with this.
A friend of mine sent me this song the other day, Lipstick and Cocaine – Kas Hawkins.
I immediately fell in love with this song, without knowing how this song came to be, and what it would awaken in me, I could relate.
On a long drive home, I must have listened to this song 20 times, over and over. I got home, and I just couldn’t get this song out of my head. I just had to know, what, where, how…who? What does this person look like?
So I did what any other obsessive person would do, I googled, "Lipstick and cocaine meaning". What I found led to nothing short of a spiritual awakening. The birth of a new found hope. Something I just had to share.
A burning issue that I have been sitting on since the day I had the last tiny little piece of fighting spirit saving me from the toxic abusive relationship I was in. Being the victim of narcissistic abuse and as a result of it finding myself questioning everything, I stood at a place in my life where I had to make some really difficult decisions.
Step out or keep living with someone who saw me as nothing but a supplier and would lie and manipulate, gaslight everything and everyone to get what they want.
What I am going to share next is what I found, and hopefully, someone going through the emotional turmoil of having to deal with an abusive partner and/or depression will read this and find the courage to GET OUT and SPEAK UP about the abuse and depression before it is too late.
Lipstick And Cocaine – Kaz Hawkins
"The lyrics for Lipstick and Cocaine were picked up from my journals, written when I was going through depression and trauma, and honours the people who helped me get through it.
The song happened when I decided to choose lyrics that best represented my life, and is one of the first songs I wrote to completion.
Lipstick represents the face you put on, and cocaine is what it says on the tin. Addiction.
The first time I recorded the track was out of necessity. While the essence of the song was there, it wasn’t a great recording and didn’t have much of an edge. Any time we tried to record Lipstick and Cocaine it wasn’t right. Until last year, when I heard my pianist play it unaccompanied, and I let myself loose and was ready to properly honour my story.
While there are many sides to Kaz Hawkins, Lipstick and Cocaine is a track where I am vulnerable and strong at the same time.
Depression is a heavy thing to bear. People talk about the black dog and having to walk it every day, but I hope the track gives people hope.
While I’m still an unsigned musician and don’t make money, the costs of creating this track, and others, are far outweighed by what comes back.
When I get messages from people saying the song saved them, or they were ready to kill themselves until they heard the song, or the recent Lipstick and Cocaine video that has gone viral on Facebook (378,000 views), it’s just overwhelming.
I try and find the positives in everything, I don’t really care about money. Look at how many lives are being saved.”
Depression, Addiction, Abuse – A Potent Combo For Suicide
I must admit; I was there before I came for treatment and started the journey of healing.
The willingness to try and run from the suicidal thoughts had long been depleted and I just could not muster the courage to face any of it anymore.
I wanted OUT! If having any peace at all meant removing myself out of the chaos by giving in to these suicidal thoughts, then so be it.
All I heard was the committee in my head making such a noise that my soul could not hear anything else, and frankly, the paranoia, the self-doubt, the not knowing who or what I could trust was not helping.
What once gave me hope now seemed like even more reason to just give up, family, friends, the hope of one day having a healthy relationship without any of the shadiness and side pieces to contend with just was not enough to keep me going. I had lost all hope.
I was no longer walking the black dog, I was being dragged behind with it running ahead.
“Lipstick and Cocaine” is a song about a woman’s journey through depression, drug addiction, an abusive relationship and coming to the end of the road, too tired to fight the fight, and ready to succumb to the darkness and pass from this life.
Kaz Hawkins’ song tells a tale of the different people that came into her life as she was considering ending it, helping her to realize her worth in this world, and how empty this space would be without her in it.
The journey wasn’t an easy one, and it took all the strength she had but is a testimony of a hard-fought battle that she continues to fight every day.
Depression isn’t a mood. Those that suffer from it can’t just go shopping and get over it. Or indulge in a gallon of their favourite ice cream to ease their pain. That’s why many resort to drugs and alcohol, any way they can to try to numb the pain for just a little while.
Depression doesn’t discriminate; it knows no age, no race, no gender. It doesn’t care how successful you are or how much money you have.
The song tells us how important the people in the artist’s life were in her recovery. By reaching out to her, telling her of her worth and helping to get the help she needed, they - with the help of the good Lord - saved her.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. No matter what we are going through, it’s not worth ending our lives over.
As adults, it is difficult to understand this as we sometimes feel overwhelmed. As young people, it’s many times impossible to grasp.
We talk to our children about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, but how many conversations have we had with them about depression and suicide?
Many will argue they don’t want to put ideas in their heads. But you know your children and you know when it’s appropriate to have that conversation.
The signs are not always there. People that are depressed can function and hide the darkness they are living in.”
This changed something in me, if ever I had gone from victim to survivor it is because of this life-changing song.
I say NO to any kind of abuse! Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. NO to believing that I am anything less than worthy of love, peace and safety from the soul-crushing trauma of abuse and having to walk that black dog.
To the people out there thinking there is no other way out than suicide. You are worthy! You are strong! You are beautiful! You are loved!
My hope is that you find the strength and courage to get out and heal because you deserve it.
Hold On Pain Ends
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