I can't do this anymore! If I continue living in active I will die.

Before coming to PRC Recovery I had no hope of living a clean and sober life. I tried many times before and always ended up back in active, living like the walking dead. I chose that lifestyle above my family and my child time and time again. I had to experience a near-death situation to bring me to the point where I could admit to myself that I can't do this anymore, if I continue living in active I will die. I owed it to myself and my child to give recovery one more try, this time I really wanted it. This time there was no space for faking it, I had to buckle up and face my addiction and the wreckage of my enmeshed lifestyle of addiction. This time I wanted to try living instead of surviving a lifestyle so ingrained in me that I did not think it would be possible to make any lasting changes. So despite detox and being weaned off suboxone, which was a hell on its own, I pushed through writing and presenting my life story. From here I proceed to start working on the 12 steps. I was advised by my recovery coach to be rigorously honest and to leave no stone unturned, there was no time to be wasted on scraping from the surface. Although I had done the steps in various forms before, the spiritual steps, the basic 60 stories, this program takes a certain kind of strength to become so completely vulnerable, not to gain anything from anyone but rather to face the real me, I started to realise that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I was broken, shattered and I didn't think it was possible to find the pieces again let alone put them back together. Recovery is not just about being clean. It is a lifestyle, a complete overhaul that was painful and at times seemed impossible. And for me, it is impossible to do alone. I had many arguments with staff and many times where my self-will wanted to press the "I give up" switch, on those days I had the support from my peers and the PRC recovery team that helped me carry on, just for today, just for the next 5 minutes. There is a kind of gratitude I experienced. I had given up on myself, I couldn't even look in the mirror, yet the people I was surrounded by, people I have come to know as my "extended family", they never gave up on me. This gratitude is something I cannot explain in words. My addiction took me full circle, yet I was seen as more than just another junkie. This gratitude is what my foundation of recovery is built on. Thanks to the staff at PRC recovery for giving me hope, thank you for those "bare-knuckle" one on one sessions I needed to get to the end of myself. I will use the tools provided to me during treatment as stepping stones in my continued recovery. Life on life's terms won't be easy but it will be worth it, I now have a fighting chance for both myself and my child.